It nearly didn't as I overslept. All this mucking about with my sleep is not very helpful. The strange dreams continue unabated. Thankfully I've trained the people at work to believe I usually get in early, so the odd day of coming in late is not such a sin. It meant I was trying to catch up with myself all day. I started feeling really stressy as the day wore on and my stomach was doing really nasty things to prove the point. I'm not sure if somewhere at the back of my mind I'm starting to worry about being judged on my time in this job. I'd like it if they invited me back in the New Year, part-time would suit me and might suit them. But the way things are going with the company, who knows where it will all be heading by January. I feel like I've done a few good bits of work recently but oh, where is the feedback? An odd thing I've discovered over the last couple of years is that contractors don't seem to get one-to-one meetings with their boss. Now, if I were paying a contractor I think I'd like to be sure they were doing what I wanted and doing it properly. I'm nearing the end of my fourth contract now and I only need the fingers of one hand to count my one-to-ones. Daft eh?
This was always going to be a short contract, five months extended to six. I think I've been aware of the next round of unemployment all along. I've put some money back in my piggy bank, but that's going to come out again soon for my holiday. I've not made any pension contributions at all this year which is not good. I'll have worked for 26 weeks - half the year - so even if I seem to be on a good salary (and yes it's not peanuts) it's effectively half that.
And however well, or badly, I've performed, I feel that my whole time in this job has been overshadowed by what's been going on elsewhere in my life. I don't think there's any way I can have been at my best at work. So why would someone want to give me another chance? My boss and the colleague who brought me in have both been really good about things but there must come a point when enough is enough.
Why do I feel like this today? Wish I knew. "Things" still whirling around in my head and not going anywhere. I've been feeling angry and I don't like that. It's not me. I think the drugs have started to do their job though. I haven't cried recently even though I've almost wanted to at times. The thoughts in my head are enough to make me tearful, I know that. I want to get through the next eleven working days, take a deep breath and then just go for it. Bizarrely, it only occured to me this week some time that I'll be on my own. As in no travelling partner, no-one to chat to, no-one to discuss where to go next. But then, I know I'll bump into people, talk to them as I go about my touristing and so on. It will be weird. I'm used to being on my own (again) here, but when your friends and family are close to hand it feels different, even if you don't 'use' them. I've not done this solo travelling thing before. Even now in reality, it will only be 3 of the first 4 weeks, the other week I'll be staying with my friend's eldest daughter, then for the second four weeks until I come back home I'll be with my friend.
There's that thing about the difference between 'lonely' and 'alone'. Perhaps that will be the difference between where I am now and when I go on holiday.
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3 comments:
I think the solo travelling will be a good experience, although i bet it will feel strange
They do have internet cafes in oz as well--------Dont they?
Allow me to put a diferent spin on the job situation
As a contractor, you COULD have just done the bare minimum, done what you had to do and then finished.Knowing you-I am sure you didnt.
And you carried on working through when your life was falling apart
I think this is pretty impressive actually.Shows tenacity.
But now its time for you to have some chill time
(((((((())))))))))))))))
I tell you what hun, in most jobs I've had I could count on one hand the number of 1:2:1's I've had in 4 years, never mind 4 months - you've probably done well to get them at all!
And the travelling alone thingy - I started doing it about 4 years ago due to being in a partnerless state and everyone I knew being famillied up. Beleive me, you will find it the most liberating experience ever. It sounds awful, but you can be truly selfish and indulge yourself - even if you love those you are with, you still have to consider them the whole time.
You won't look back - and because you are alone, you choose whether you want to engage with people or not - that is such a luxury.
It'll be something that you'll wonder why you've never done it before. I treasure my travels alone.
Sometimes all we can do is just carry on. When we are doing that we can feel a bit isolated because it takes all our strength and we shut down some of our sensory inputs.
But carrying on is an achievement.
You are right there is a big difference between lonely and alone. Sometimes we need time alone.
It will give you a chance to open up your senses to the world around you, without having to worry too much about what others are doing.
Just take care of yourself and conserve yourresources.
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