People keep telling me I'm doing well, looking more chirpy. But I'm not. I've hardly run and it's almost like I'm frightened to go out there. How on earth can I run 10, 13... whatever miles? I feel I'm going to get fat. My head is completely f***ed.
Yesterday, the children were here. We did usual Saturday things - shopping, fixing a bicycle (yes, it is almost weekly at present) and odds and sods. Then I enrolled their help in more 'sorting out'. We took down the spare bunk beds to store them until collected. Put more things in the loft, out of the way. Yet again, Daniel gave me a hug as I tried to explain why I was doing this and how I needed to get on with my life. He does well for a 16 year old boy. And even though they'd been really great and helpful, I still managed to shout at them at the end of the afternoon, unnecessarily really, because of how I was feeling. They didn't deserve it.
Today, I've been screaming even more at the computer. Last night I paid for and downloaded Macafee in a hope to sort out the snail-like workings of late. It has taken me until about 5pm today to get it installed. Aaarrrgghhhhhh. Have been in touch with their on-line chat-help people and everything. Anyway, seems to be in and running. Now will have to see if the pc gets any better. Norton has been uninstalled and retired. What a waste of a huge chunk of Sunday.
And I must go out for a run.
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musings from a small furry person
Green Thought for the Day
Just get on your bike.
The brave few!
My PBs
- 1m 7.12 04/06/03 (6 races)
- 5k 24.09 07/09/03 (16)
- 5m 42.27 08/05/05 (11)
- 10k 50.38 25/06/06 (29)
- 10m 1.22.40 20/10/02 (5)
- Half 1.52.17 14/03/04 (47)
- Marathon 3.57.53 18/04/04 (20)
- 52.4 miles 11.29.18
- 173 races completed including a 100 mile stage race & an ultra, plus a triathlon
4 comments:
hey hey
you dont HAVE to post positive stuff if you dont want
Some days will be ok
Some days will be crap
thats the bereavement process and you cant fight it
big hugs to you
You know where i am
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
what do you mean 'fraud'??? In whose eyes??? Hey, you are just between spaces. You know the saying...one door closes and another one opens.
it's always sad when closing one door and packing away the exra stuff is a job that has to be done to move on. but it is a reminder of other times, times when you felt......., were ......., not like you are now.
But being a fraud? I doubt it. Being confused maybe and redefing yourself but not a fraud.
And life is a game. People say what is 'appropriate' and we react in the 'appropriate' manner. Maybe they are the frauds?
Remember, come to the wide open spaces of Australia and lose yourself for awhile. Space is something we have plenty of. (and few doors!) paul
Paul and b-z are right Karen, there are no rights and wrongs to feelings. You're going thru a greiving process and there will be "good" days and "bad" days. Don't fret - you know its normal and we are all here for you for the good and the bad.
Big hugs to you and the minis.
gosh, what a lot has happened while I've been away and missed you
take care of yourself
(and what they said above too)
xx
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