The value of nothing

"A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing" (Oscar Wilde)

What do we value in our lives? I used to have a huge need for security, the ability to pay the mortgage, not depend on others, be independent. Two years ago now, I was getting over my second bout of illness due to stress. On that occasion it was due far and away to work pressures. Too much to do for too long by too few people. And I felt the need to look after my colleagues and protect them. I was also an employee representative, helping and advising people at risk of redundancy. Unlike the first time, I didn't resort to the drugs, even though I know Prozac works. I wanted to get to the root of the problem. Why do I let myself get into such a state? What can I do about it? As you can imagine, counselling proved more illusive than gold dust. So, in the meantime, I took the bull by the horns and worked out some answers for myself. At the time, it meant that I decided that work really wasn't as important as my health and peace of mind. I agreed a way of leaving my job of five years, involving a move to a part-time, 6 month contract.

This paradigm shift from security to contract working was one I never imagined me doing. But I had to. I've been lucky so far and jobs have fallen into my lap. This time (current extended post expires 09 December) I'm not so sure though. Today, I wondered whether I was starting to worry about it, even if only subconsciously. I could have stayed on as I was offered a permanent post but money was the issue. They didn't want to pay what I thought I'm worth for a part-time job. So their valuation of my worth in a job is different to my valuation of my life outside work. Why I only want to find a part-time role that will cover my monthly expenses and allow me to live. I'm not even being greedy.

My life outside work means far more to me now than it has for a very long time. I want to be able to spend time with my loved ones, at leisure, not squashed into busy weekends, crammed in between the shopping and chores, trying to catch up on sleep and fit in the long slow distance. I want to be able to go for a run in Richmond Park in daylight, during the week. It's not too late but every now and again I might actually want to go to a school event. I want to be able to consider a different career path, one that I enjoy rather than one I'm good at but bored by. I want to be able to give more of my time to Crisis, that amazing charity working for homeless people.

The cynic in me says why should you be able to do all those things? Why should you be different? Who's going to pay the bills? Am I such an idealist that I really truly believe all this? Or would I rather have a nice car, expensive holidays and a big house?

And world peace, an end to homelessness and the eradication of malaria and HIV.