Cycling

It isn't just trucks that kill cyclists. Buses and coaches have the potential to do it too. In recent times, if I am subject to poor driving by a commercial vehicle I try to remember as many details as possible and then, using the power of google (other search engines are available) I send them an e-mail. No response to my first of the year, but am waiting on the follow-up to this:

Dear Ms Hardy

Thank you for your email of 10^th February. We do take driving standards very seriously, and we will investigate this incident with the driver concerned. I will contact you again once we have been able to complete our investigations.

Yours sincerely

Xxxxxxx Yyyyyy

HR Advisor

As for the two stories, I've linked - I've never cycled in Bristol but I know the junction of Bishopsgate and Wormwood Street very well, both as a pedestrian and a cyclist. If you're a Londoner or cycle here, then why not sign up to the LCC campaign for safer cycling in the capital.

Happy cycling.

Binge drinking

In all the form filling and preliminaries to me seeing people for counselling, occupation health sessions and so on, I had a very good conversation on the phone with a lady from BUPA who was trying to assess me so as to find an appropriate person for my face-to-face sessions. As I say, she was very good, empathic, understanding, basically well-trained for her job. One thing she said surprised/shocked me though. She asked about my alcohol consumption. I said it varies and that I try to have more AFDs than ADs (you know that already). She asked how much I drink on those occasions - 2-3 pints of beer or a share in 1-2 bottles of wine (more usually towards the 3 pints and 1 bottle). She said "Well you know that's binge drinking". I grunted but actually disagreed in my head.

So, I've been doing some research. I had thought binge drinking was a session where you drank your week's recommended maximum intake in one go. So if the weekly amount is 14 units for women (21 for men), that would be 5.47 pints of Old Speckled Hen or 1.55 bottles of 12% wine. Neither of which I would drink more than about once a year (excluding the skiing holiday the other week....). However, the Drinkaware website says it's drinking double your daily guide amount. "Binge drinking for men, therefore, is drinking more than 8 units of alcohol – or about three pints of strong beer. For women, it’s drinking more than 6 units of alcohol, equivalent to two large glasses of wine." For me, this means 2.3 pints of Hen or two thirds of a bottle of wine. Hmmmm. Did someone move the goalposts? 

The Drinkaware site also says "...you could be a binge drinker if you regularly drink: to get drunk; more than the daily unit guidelines in a single session; quickly". Interesting, I don't think I ever drink to get drunk. That's horrible. I enjoy a drink, in fact I am occasionally worried by the feeling that I want a drink to soothe away the day, but I do not drink to get drunk. Alcohol is part of my socialising, my relaxation, enjoyment of life. It helps me feel a bit better (on the surface, I know).

The site has got some quite sensible information and advice on it. It does talk about blood alcohol concentration and alcohol poisoning. You process about one unit of alcohol an hour. I knew this and it is something I do think about if I'm in a 'social' situation where the drinking is likely to spread out over a few hours. There's a useful (!) unit calculator if you were wondering about your own intake. One thing you can take from that is to change what you drink eg a different beer with a lower % alcohol. Or water.

It's got me thinking. I won't ignore what the woman said. She also asked if I felt my anxiety was worse the day after I'd had a drink. I said no, I  honestly did not believe so but I would reflect upon that further.


And what does all this mean? That I'm in denial about my binge drinking? That I'm one of those terrible, middle class, over-drinkers but "only a social drinker darlink"? Or, that I know I enjoy a drink and keep an eye on it?

Discuss.

I am a Games Maker!

The e-mail offer came through on Friday to become an Event Services Team Member, at Wimbledon. I haven't checked to see what sport that will be!

I think I agree with the person who said something like it's almost as bad as having golf in the Olympics. There are some sports that are so professional that they could be seen as beyond the Olympic ideal - tennis, football and basketball spring to mind. I know that those who participate say it is all about representing their nation but, excuse my cynicism, I'm imagining the players' sponsors might be upping the dosh for their person being at the Olympics? Even if their branding isn't visible, it's exposure for their commodity ie the person.

I've been receiving what seems like more than daily e-mails from LOCOG  for ages now and I think it's only going to get worse. It's funny, they must have a super-duper, happy clappy editorial team writing these messages. I'm surprised Pro Plus isn't a sponsor. Every one is so upbeat and full of ermmm something or other. Shortly after I accepted my role, the next message introduced me to the Games Maker uniform. Here's some of the blurb:

"The Games Maker uniform, designed by LOCOG in association with London 2012’s official sportswear provider adidas, has a deep purple and poppy red colour scheme. The colour combination is based upon a contemporary twist of a regal purple and vibrant Grenadier Guards red. The combinations of vibrant and fresh colours will provide a distinctive look and allow Games Makers to stand out in the crowd."

And here's a picture.

I think I know how she feels.

That wasn't the best week

I started writing this last Sunday! I'm hoping it bears me persisting with it.

I had run out of the anti-depressants, stupidly thinking I had another blister pack somewhere. Then decided I couldn't get to the doctor until Monday. You'd think by all the posting I managed to get done last Sunday (05 Feb) that I was feeling ok. But actually, I couldn't shift my backside out of the house, even for a crisp walk in the park. Sunday found me feeling down, crap, nothing in particular and so on. On Monday I saw the doctor and told him how I've been, or not, over the last few weeks. Basically, he decided to change my anti-depressants, I told him I wanted to be referred for counselling, and I wished him well for his impending skiing holiday in Canada (bizarrely cheaper than France for a family but I could believe him).


I took the first tablet on Monday night, just before retiring as the instructions suggested. I really did try to tell myself that it couldn't responsible that quickly for the most dreadful night's lack of sleep that I then endured. ... a week passes..... In the morning, I texted my boss and team to say I needed more sleep and be in for lunchtime. Which then came and went and I pretended to do some work from home. I even responded to some e-mails! However, I did feel rubbish and failed to get to work on the Wednesday. This kicked me into some activity of sorts though, mostly along the lines of "This is ridiculous" and I did spend time looking into what sort of 'help' is available through work.

Thursday found me talking to the HR director about it "all" and she suggested referral for some face-to-face counselling sessions (my research suggested only phone sessions were available) and also referral to Occupation Health. This latter point is significant. My HR director believes that what I was describing to hear amounts to a "disability" and her duty is to ensure that my work isn't adversely impacting my health. Forms were filled, boss was involved and talked to. I now have appointments galore this coming week (commencing Monday 20 February - keep up). Monday morning I have the first face-to-face counselling session. Tuesday morning I have an Occupational Health assessment appointment. Tuesday afternoon (boys look away now) I have a fun visit to Kingston hospital to get a Mirena coil fitted which should, finally, sort out some of the nastier bits of the menopausal symptoms that I've been experiencing. Can't wait for Wednesday! I might even get my new contact lenses this week but not holding my breath.

My poor boss is doing well through all this. I had to admit on the Thursday morning of that week that I had thought I was alright when I got in to work (and I had, even the ride in had been good) until he popped in to see me and then the stress chemicals went whoosh all over the place. I don't think it's personal.

Officially old

Aha, just remembered something. I went to Specsavers yesterday as I had been becoming concerned that my reading glasses (the ones I wear over my contact lenses) weren't quite doing the job properly. It turns out that I am becoming less short-sighted and when I'm about 120 I won't need contacts at all.

Anyway, this means I am officially old. Finally. Because when I was about seven and the optician was breaking the news that I had to wear glasses, he tried to cheer me up by saying that when I got 'older' my eyesight would improve again. I mentioned this to Mr Specsavers and he said "You're not old, you're ten years younger than me." Hmmm, not sure that being ten years younger than a 62yo is how I like to think of myself!

Are you a Games Maker?

Having filled in the form what seems like decades ago, I finally had my selection interview to be a Games Maker on Friday morning. I was in line for selection into the Events Services team which basically is all about spectator care. There are five roles all of which are "... people-focused, busy and varied, so you should be passionate about providing exceptional service. We are looking for people who enjoy helping the public, answering lots of questions and working as part of our energetic, enthusiastic team". You know what, I think that sounds a lot like what I do in my day job as well as my volunteering. The session was well run, sponsored by chocolate and I hope I managed to convey my enthusiasm for wanting to be involved.

Fingers crossed.

Friday evening found me on a Girls' Night Out. We went to Wallace & Co in Putney which was good. Not only was the food lovely but the service was excellent. No hassling us to order before our final person arrived (traffic delays), no trouble turning the group into five from four, nor dealing with us changing our minds on what to have (umpteen times!) or coping with producing a final bill which we then added to when two of our party had to leave earlier than the rest of us. A great evening and catch up. I missed the last outing due to a blonde moment when for a whole week I was confused about the date and missed at least two appointments!

So there, just about up-to-date again. Don't say it wasn't exciting ;-)

Cycling

The next demon tackled. I've started cycling to work again. It's about 14 miles or so each way. I take a slightly different route due to hills, darkness and so on. I'm knackered when I get to work and even more so when I get home, but that should improve as I get fitter. Conditions on the road are slightly improved, the potholes are still there but I can now use one of the new Cycle Superhighways (no.8) along the Embankment. A nice bit of relatively flat, blue coloured road, varying in width but which does seem to have a deterrent effect upon drivers, especially when turning left. They really do seem to start indicating much earlier and realise that they've got to look for cyclists in the blue stripe zone before turning. If only we didn't have to to put woad on the road to make them think.

I have, of course, chosen the week when Winter has finally arrived to do this. So, Wednesday and Thursday found me with thermal leggings under my tights. The painful, cold hands go through a strange routine when I'm cycling which I had actually forgotten about. I think I have a form of Raynaud's syndrome. I can get extreme pain when my hands get cold, the fingers go white starting at the end and I can actually see them reheat and watch the blood return. The pain is at the make-me-cry level, so not nice. For skiing, this has started to affect me over the last 4-5 years in particular and I have discovered the joy of handwarmers which are activated by exposure to air. Pop one of those in your ski glove and no problems at all. Not as practical to cycle with a lump in the palm of your gloves but I have tried. But, what happens is that I go through my hands getting cold then as I continue to cycle I think my overall circulation improves and the hands and fingers re-warm. This only happens on a longer ride, so I hadn't been reminded of it during my usual pottering about over the last few months.

I've only got to work out how to keep my feet warmer now, buy a new saddle (ermm ouch.....) and I may even get to like cycling.

All downhill

We went skiing again. With the same lovely group as last year. Some cyclists from Epsom/Esher/thereabouts. We know them through a running friend who also cycles. Going out on a Sunday was a bit odd, I didn't even realise until a few weeks beforehand, when Mike said that's what we were doing. He'd read the e-mails! I'd fallen into this false sense of security induced by someone very competent organising the whole thing. It did mean that I could get the cat jabbed and off to the cattery on the Saturday. That meant I DROVE for the first time since the accident. Melanie was kind enough to come with me, brave girl. The cat stayed absolutely quiet the whole time. It was ok. I wasn't used to the width of the car, so allowed more space than necessary on the passenger side and probably drove more slowly than other road users might wish. But, I didn't wibble or wobble. My arm didn't fall off. Using the handbrake was a bit strange - I seemed to use my shoulder for the movement rather than the elbow. It was local roads, nothing fast but it was driving. One demon exorcised.

I still don't like flying so as the doctor has given me some beta blockers I thought I'd use them for the flight! That went ok although I'm not sure what drugs would have helped with the ridiculously long wait for our luggage at Turin. We went with Neilson travel who I don't think I've used before. They seem quite good although the reps are all bright, cheery, loud young people (mutter mutter old people noises). Snow wasn't the best but the resort - Sauze d'Oulx - had done a lot of work in producing snow to keep the upper slopes covered, so skiing was better than it might have been.

I've not been skiing in Italy since my first two or three years of this silly hobby at which point I probably wasn't aware of piste markings, maps and so on. The Italians, it seems, still aren't! The piste map bore no relation to the pistes, cafes and restaurants which are usually a useful landmark were missing from the paperwork, the lifts had a variety of names which may or may not be the one on the map, the runs had posts but no names that helped........ Basically, you had to get over all that, learn the lie of the land yourself and then you were fine!

The chalet was good but uphill from the town centre and a bus ride or walk away from a lift. There were 12 in our group and then another 5 (two pairs of women and a loud Oirish man). The others didn't really have much option but to mingle and it was good, they joined our various skiing groups and it was a jolly sociable week. The chalet hosts were slightly older than usual so were better at judging their clientele. That might account for them filling us with gallons of wine every evening. They probably skimp a little at half term and not give the youngsters the same quota as we enjoyed. There was free wifi so the ipads were happy and people less reluctant than usual to browse from their phones. This may have been a good thing but I think a few of us could have done without the television. It only ends up being on sky or bbc news and not much else. Oh, National Geographic channel put in an appearance one evening. The food was very good, even for the vegetarian.

Mike and I took an optional day trip to a nearby resort in France - Montgenevre. Bliss! Signs that point somewhere, carrying information at the same time. A piste map that worked. Oh joy. And we even enjoyed the skiing. Looks a possible for a trip of its own one day.

One sad bit at the beginning of the week was that Melanie returned home on the day that we flew off to Italy (different times and different airports). Fortunately, she'd learned her way around by then, so Ham to Heathrow was easy. It was great having her stay, catching up on news and getting to know her a bit more. I really really must start planning my next trip downunder.

Missing: Inaction?

It's been a while since I last blogged. Stuff has been going on so there hasn't time or, occasionally, the inclination to get on here. Although of course I welcome each and both of my readers! Thank you for persisting.


The return to work was busy, but I felt more rested than I do usually at the beginning of January. We interviewed and recruited new righthandperson and she started this week on 1st February. Although through the external round, she was in effect 'internal' as a Christmas temp and prior to that a fundraising intern. It's funny how you have key criteria in your head for what is the minimum and then you have to deal with what (who!) turns up in front of you. I think new RHP will be good and good to work with. She's not afraid of picking up the phone, learns quickly and seems a no-nonsense sort of person.

Both the miniwombles are now back at university. I had dinner out with them separately for a bit of catching up and bonding: madness in Guildford with Mega and shall-we-try-this-place Italian in Waterloo with Mini. I wish I knew if they appreciate how great I think they both are. I try to tell them, but hey when your Mum says something isn't it best to ignore it? They have their different characters and ways but to me they seem very sensible and grounded, polite, funny, intelligent, great company. Both seem mature too, beyond their years. I've met a few graduates etc over the last few years through work, with people volunteering and interning and common sense is not to be taken for granted. I don't know how some people escape with GSCEs let alone a degree.

Talking of which, it might seem that I would be on the side of the Government and its move to get rid of many GCSE equivalents. It may be that the 'system' of equivalents wasn't perfect but people aren't all the same. We need to find a way to encourage students to get the most of out school while they are there. If they're told that the course they're doing has no value in the eyes of colleges of further education, potential employers and so on then they will stop doing them. If the courses really aren't of value then this is not a problem. But many courses lead directly to the possibility of paid work like the much exampled fish husbandry qualification. Lots of demand for that in Scotland let alone other places in this island nation. How many people can say they've a better chance of a job because they got a C in GCSE history? (Don't leap on me for the example).

Academia has its place but we need to really acknowledge that people are different, they learn differently, they have different skills. I could never be a hairdresser but I'm glad my coiffeur has trained to look after my ailing locks. We need our young people to train in the way that works for them, in the subjects and disciplines in which they are best suited. That way, we all win. Carry on as we are, and you don't need to wonder why the disaffected NEETs might go on another riot as soon as the weather is a bit warmer.

AFDs are good for you!

You heard it here first but now the rest of the world has caught up :-)

Shopping anxiety?

We went for a walk this afternoon, which we often do. Off through the park and over to Mike's daughter's house to drop something off. Only 3.83 miles there which makes you realise how close by they are (although it's a lot further by road!). We then went into the huge Asda next to where they live and a strange thing happened. Although we were only going in for a loaf and I had to do nothing except follow Mike as he knows the layout of this shop, I started to feel unwell. The horrible anxious feeling swamping me, something engulfing my head in a tight fug. I had to go and wait at the exit while he paid. We tried to work out what it is about this situation that so upset me. Was it the crowds? Probably not as I cope with football and crowded trains fine. Was it the unknown shop? Possibly although even while it was happening I was trying to tell myself it wasn't important that I didn't know where stuff was. Anyhow, it's all very peculiar and not nice.

The walk continued and I improved out in the fresh air. The deer were wonderful today. Gathering in huge numbers in their respective herds at different points in the park. The parakeets were noisy as ever but seem so much brighter in colour when there are no green leaves to hide them. It was dark for the last part of the walk (10.4 miles) with a full moon and a slightly cloudy sky. We looked out from the hill, at London and the Shard all brightly lit, then over towards the west to Heathrow and far beyond. You can see so much more when the trees are bare. It's not so bad living in the capital.

Except when you have to use the District Line. I've claimed two refunds this week (when your journey is delayed by more than 15 minutes) and two other journeys were not good. Let's hope it's more awake this week.

After the total confusion of Crisis at Christmas week, when we didn't know what day it was let alone whether we'd had a drink (and we didn't drink every morning!), this week contained four AFDs, so that's not too bad.

I have eight applications for the post of righthandperson to go through. Hopefully we'll be able to interview later this week and pick the lucky person who gets to work with me.

Two weeks to our holiday. Must book the cattery....

Christmas at last!

Well that was lovely. Nine of us finally sat down to our family Christmas dinner. Not a turkey in sight. This is my fault as I really have got to the point now where the smell of meat (particularly cooked meat) makes me feel quite ill. This is strange as it's something that seems to have crept up on me in recent times. I remember when I first became vegetarian (way back in the 80s) the smell of bacon butties from the kiosk at NM station was very enticing for a few years!

So, the menu:

Prawn cocktail, smoked salmon or houmous

Christmas pie (two versions): (1) mushrooms, rice, herbs, BNS, lemon, cream cheese, pine nut kernels (2) egg instead of mushrooms and no pine nuts. Number 1 was disguised as a Christmas present and number 2 as a pie with the numbers '2012' on the top. Mixed vegetables ('the black stuff'), potatoes, brussel sprouts, bread sauce.

Lemon tart, blueberries, strawberries, creme fraiche.

Cheese board

Champagne, wine, liqueurs, beer etc. Coffee.

We were joined at the coffee stage by Jason and Lauren, fresh from loading up the van again moving their stuff to the new place in Reigate. Having spent all year trying to buy somewhere (who thought it was that difficult?) they finally completed a week before Christmas. Perfect timing! It was good to catch up with them and them to see D&A.

A really great end to the holiday season. There's something I have to do tomorrow....... If only I could remember what.

Life

I have finished the first pack of anti-depressants (30 days). I'm sure they're helping me feel better although I was concerned if the dose was high enough. After my first blip, blogged earlier, I was starting to feel ok. But then, when I woke up to go on my first shift for Christmas I felt absolutely dreadful, very stressed and physically unwell. This was completely unexpected. Yes, I was going to be at a new centre but I didn't know I had been worrying about it. This did ease off once I was settling in and doing stuff but it concerned me. I shall return to the doctor later in the month. I'll be able to report back on all my other appointments by then too. Work will not be easy as righthandperson will be joining her new team on Tuesday and one of my temps is leaving a couple of weeks early as she's managed to get a real job.

I was brought down to earth by a totally unexpected phone call, making my whinges look totally trivial. The children's father is ill and will take some time to recover. I have to do my best to be there for them.

In good news, my Dad, who has had a pretty poor couple of years health-wise, says he feels the best he has done for ages.

Tomorrow sees our belated family seasonal meal, with all the children and various partners bringing the total to nine for lunch. Mike is complaining that he can't cater for such small numbers. It will be lovely to catch up with everyone.

Football is still rubbish.

I looked back at my 'training' log for the year:

cycling 1002 miles
walking 285 miles
running 27 miles

That is more encouraging than I feel about the year. I did a lot of walking early on as I decided to walk London Marathon due to the ongoing arm problem. I only started cycling again in June. 'Running' is the weak subject. The 27 miles included the Royal Parks Half Marathon so you can see how much training I did.

If I make any resolution for the New Year, it will be to get back into running. I think the other, if there is one, will be to have fewer medical appointments.

And a Happy New Year to you all. It is going to be a brilliant year with the Olympics and the Queen's Diamond Jubilee as well as anything else that turns up.

Crisis at Christmas 2011

This year's first shift for both of us was on 22 December, again we are people of the night! Mike was lead kitchen person = chef at the Rough Sleepers centre, and I was to be based at our Operations Centre = warehouse. Crisis at Christmas was marking its 40th year with all sorts of events and publicity, lots of television coverage and coincidentally we were one of the charities to benefit from the ITV 'Text Santa' extravaganza.

Being at different centres made the travelling arrangements more 'interesting' than usual. Mike drove in each night as getting to the far side of London (near City Airport) takes quite a while by public transport. On the days that there was transport. We started by sticking my bike in the car, being taken to my centre and then Mike going on to his. I would then bike, train, bike back home in the morning. Christmas day I cycled home! About 14 miles into a headwind. It was a lovely finish to the ride to come through Richmond Park but my legs were very tired. I did a day and a half of sitting in the car for my travelling, along with other volunteers collected en route. I even managed to take the bike on the District Line one day when there was a points failure at Putney meaning no trains.

I was at the Ops centre as the normal lead volunteer there wanted to take 2-3 shifts off to see his partner. This meant two shifts for me finding out what they do and then three in charge! I've never led a shift before, I'm an assistant shift leader. At Ops, we are based in the same building as the transport people overnight, along with a motley collection of staff who do extreme hours over Christmas. We answer phone calls and e-mails from the residential centres seeking advice on their plumbing problems, trying to find things (which we know they've got but can't find), sort out some 'emergency' supplies, accompany drivers on occasional journeys and clean the place up. We sorted socks and tins (separate days and jobs), input data, cleaned fridges, did turkey watch .... you just can't imagine the excitement! Briefing a team at the beginning of the night when you don't know what's going to happen is quite good fun! I had wonderful volunteers all week who were happy to be incredibly flexible and do whatever I asked. Of course, being in the warehouse does mean you can go and find anything you might need (like chocolate!).

My shift leader was back for shift 6 of 8 and we worked together. Shift 7 found me at our Women's Centre as their leader's partner was unwell and so I stepped in. It was a good experience to see how another guest centre is run, and it made me reflect on a few things. I cycled home from there (Notting Hill area) which was another 10.5 miles into a headwind. I think cycle route waymarking is improving but it could still be better. A sign pointing at a road which then forks three ways almost immediately is not much use unless it tells you which fork to take. I had been sensible enough to take an A-Z with me. The assistant shift leader there was very competent and we agreed that I really didn't need to return to handhold for the last night.

So, what to do? I was in danger of being invited to three post-last-shift pubs but Mike would only be at one. A quick text to my old shift leader found me at the same centre as Mike for the last shift (and pub). It was great being back in a familiar centre, with guests and volunteers that I know too. The last shift is often very stressful as guests are worried about what they are returning to, having had a good week with Crisis. Things can get tetchy but this year, the night went really well which meant that most guests had a good last night's sleep. The whole week had gone well. The atmosphere in the centre seemed good. In the 'wide awake' area it was fabulous to see mixed groups of guests participating in various games - floor chess, table tennis, cards, connect4, jenga (floor size) and so on. Another funny highlight for me was seeing lego! Now who doesn't want to play with lego?

I was touched by a report that a guest had, earlier in the week, asked after the 'lady in the pyjamas'. You have to see my bright pink, patterned trousers which are reserved for Christmas! My gate crew seemed to have missed me too, standing outside with them all week like I would normally. Never has a shift been littered with so many hugs.

Mike was enjoying cooking for the volunteers overnight, about 100 or so of them. He also had to prepare breakfast for about 350-400 guests. The food was going down well. He had a complaint from the shift team that volunteers were taking too long over their food! An edict followed of 'no more puddings' which meant I only got a main course when I arrived on the last night. One of the transport drivers earlier in the week had told me that he was timing his trip to the centre to coincide with meal time as 'the canteen there is fantastic'!! I did get to sample some of the food though, as doggy bags came home some mornings.

We turn our days on their heads to cope with eight night shifts. That means breakfast in the evening before going on shift, dinner and a glass of something in the morning before going to bed. You have to get used to going to sleep in the light but I'm used to getting up when it's dark. The confusing bit is waking up during the 'night' and being totally confused whether it's light or dark - light means it's before about 4pm (or the next day - this happened to someone once) and dark means after 4pm but you don't know if the clock has gone off or not! Drinking in the morning sounds very naughty but it does help the relaxation process.

After the last shift there were the usual presentations and awards, anecdotes and tears and then we made our way to a dodgy pub nearby that was willing to open at about 09.30 for 50-60 people who were already tired and emotional..... We got home by about 5pm, even more relaxed. The bikes stayed at Richmond station :-)

Now, where was I?

Crumbs, last post on 11 December. I may well break this down into a few chunks or you'll get even more bored than usual.

Melanie arrived safely, although I tried to go to Gatwick several hours too early. Fortunately, I only got as far as Hammersmith the first time as the trains were completely up the creek. We had a great week together before she went off on her big trip around Europe. She did some touristing and we took her out on some cultural events - stand up comedy at the football club (we were on the front table eekkk) and a Christmas lunch with a group of around 25 friends all of whom made her really welcome. The lunch was on a boat moored at Richmond but the tide was low so we were sort of marooned. The organiser had warned not to wear best shoes in case it was one of those days where you have to paddle along the footpath. I've had a text from her today, she's in Italy today, leaving for Austria tomorrow. She's with us again for about another 11 days before going back to Australia on the same day that we go on holiday (whooppee).

Work, of course, was busy. Although it seems like a long time since I was there. On the other hand, yesterday was the first day that I haven't seen work and Crisis friends since I don't know when!

Cleaning!

The trouble with visitors is that you really do need to try and make the house look nice. As if you always keep it clean and sparkling. So today has been spent bent over the Dyson, changing bedding, threatening the cat and generally waving a damp cloth about. Tomorrow morning, our Australian friend arrives, the number 2 daughter of my best 'mate'. It'll be lovely to see her and catch up on family stuff. I'm even taking the whole day off work! Unfortunately, there's another [ahem] scan in the afternoon to check if the now-you-see-it-now-you-don't cyst is still there. Or not.

Having got back to 'normal' on day 5 and starting to feel a fraud on day 6, I slipped up on day 7. Something happened at work, an unexpected thing to proof read which also raised questions of what was expected of my team (with no notice or support) and I could feel myself stressing. Within the space of about two hours I went from 'ok' to going home. Although I got over the 'issue' itself, I had this all pervading sense of something washing over me, and my head tingling in a strange way. This then hangs around. Not good. Before the onslaught, I had booked an appointment to see the doctor on Friday morning, so that was already lined up.

I saw the doctor to check on blood test results (ok - kidney function slightly low but nothing to worry about) and get top ups of the anti-depressants and hormones. I explained I was going to be busy from 22 December and had no idea if or when I might be able to get back to the surgery until the New Year. Doctor almost put the words into my mouth when I described the 'spaced out' feeling so I presume that means it was nothing unusual. He did say my 'blinky' eyes would be nothing to do with the tablets though, so I'll have to think about that! I forgot to mention the on-off migraine that's been lurking over the last week. I get them when stressed anyway, so I don't think it's related to the drugs. Good news is that paramol finally seemed to kick it into touch yesterday (fingers crossed).

Mind you, after football in the afternoon, I nearly had another headache. What are they upto at the moment? It was the worst match for a long time.

Yesterday evening was the Crisis Carol Service at Southwark Cathedral. Not something I would normally go to but Mike was singing in the Choir With No Name and I'd been asked if I could go along and help. I've been helping on publicity and ticketing so went along. I didn't see any of the service itself but it all seems to have gone very well. I did enjoy the mince pie and wine refreshments (all donated) afterwards. They helped me tidy up so much more easily!

Day 5

And at last I almost felt normal again ie not spaced out or headachey. Although I'm wondering whether my eyes have changed shape. My lenses seem as if they're not fitting quite right. I'm tempted to try switching them around to see if I've managed to do that somehow even though my lens regime is fairly routine. Hang on, 2-3 months back, I put both lenses in my right eye. I take it all back.

Ooooohh

I went to the doctor's on Friday. This whole nonsense of tears, anxiety, panic attacks has been going on for too long. He said "How can I help you today then?" and I burst into tears, resulting in a shocked look on his face. We talked and he prescribed an anti-depressant (seroxat) and some beta-blockers (for use as and when - probably when about to go in a car on a motorway!). He also ordered blood test for thyroid levels, FSH and calcium.

Second good story about Kingston bloods clinic. I got there and took my deli counter ticket and mine was the next number! Last time the woman didn't quite hit the spot and I was twitching like fury. Friday the young man did so well I didn't even feel anything. I gave him some nice, positive feedback.

Today is the fourth day of taking the seroxat and I'm sure it's making me feel really weird. Kind of spaced-out, strange sensation. I fought off a migraine on Saturday. Took loads of painkillers which meant I still had the funny taste in my mouth, numbness to my face but no pain! I had a conversation with my boss today about how I am. I said I needed to take things as they come for the moment, but having finally gone to the doctor signalled something to myself about the whole situation. He was very good, work is only work, it will get done sooner or later, not to worry etc etc. Joked that he'd even managed to take a couple of phone donations on Friday!

Life, eh?

On the other hand, I e-mailed Mega and Mini demanding an update on their busy student lives and they both sent back funny, interesting, lovely stories and anecdotes. Awwww

Oh, four AFDs despite wanting to sink the odd bottle of wine.

Thursday

That wasn't very good. I knew I wasn't 'well' pretty much when I got up. Held back the tears and finally left work just after midday. Cycled through the park on the way home to take advantage of the daylight and to try that exercise is a de-stresser thing. Went to bed. Got up for the evening. Is there a magic tablet for this?

A whole week sneaks by

Goodness, looks like Sunday night is becoming blog night. Woohoo. Not.

The week started with my righthandperson saying that she has accepted another job within the organisation. As advertised, the role is easy and boring for her but in a different area of work which would open up new avenues more suited to her skills and studies. I agree she should move but the prospect of the whole recruitment process to find her replacement fills me with dread. I have spent all week faffing about updating her job description, even though a chat through it with my boss didn't seem to leave me with much to do. But then when I sat down and went through it all very carefully, I had that "This is all bollocks" feeling flood over me. For example, why is "Attend team meetings" in a JD? I must, and will, get it sorted tomorrow, and get all the paperwork to HR. It's a crap time of year to try to recruit, of course, but the upside is that she'll be only a few yards away and her new boss (who's now done a total of two days in the organisation!) seems very nice and amenable. In turn, I've agreed that righthandperson can attend some team meetings and an away day with the new bunch while she's still with me. We've worked together for over three years, so it's going to be traumatic finding a new person. We joke that there's no point asking one of us a question you've already asked the other person as you'll get exactly the same answer!

Bright and cheery temp didn't get the job she had an interview for, mostly because the job description turned out not to accurately reflect the job (see above!). However, she's since had a skype interview for a job in the US. Unenthusiastic temp also has an interview this week and we've been trying to say in all sorts of ways that she really must think about first impressions. The uncle of one of my volunteers died, as expected (he was in a hospice), but quiet volunteer just doesn't talk about things and we only found out when righthandperson asked after him. Quiet volunteer has really come on in the time he's been with us and tomorrow he starts paid temp work with our Finance colleagues. We're really hoping the extra experience will add enough to his CV to finally get him into permanent paid work. He really deserves it, he's been through a lot and some good luck is well overdue.

So, yes, work is tricky/interesting/challenging/whatever at the moment. So is life. I really feel on the edge so much of the time. I have to get the paperwork sorted for my compensation case for my elbow but it completely stresses me out even thinking about getting all the bits of paper together. I feel pathetic. A friend on another blog is discussing whether to get some anti-depressants. She has been to hell and back this past 6 months. I have this nasty feeling I'm simply being hormonal. My Mum was very 'tearful' during her menopause and I wonder if it's the same here. The not able to cope sensation is very close to the surface. I've taken a/ds in the past and I know they help.

We went for a lovely walk this afternoon, along the river past Ham House, up to Kew Bridge, cup of coffee, then straight line return home (9.7 miles). The river was really low but flowing inland quite fast. We saw lots of herons in trees up near Kew but the weirdest thing seemed to be a much smaller black bird attacking and chasing a heron! On the return, we joked about finding out how the tide was doing and discovered that the river had already been and visited the footpaths we'd been on only 2-3 hours earlier. This seemed impossible as the paths were passable again. Our route was below Teddington Locks and so my theory goes that Richmond was flooded to save those further up! It was only middling flooding though, the pubs weren't cut off.

In Richmond, depression/hormones left me with a sense of bewilderment. I found myself looking at all the Christmas stuff in the shops not knowing what I was supposed to do. The answer is usually 'nothing' (well - buy present for Mike and take children out at some point and buy whatever they point at) but it felt like the shops were having a go at me. I think part of it is an inner corner shaking its head at all the commercialism especially in the current climate. I'm not saying we don't need to enjoy ourselves occasionally, but it's all too much.

I've spent a lot of time sitting on coaches this week. Two away football matches - first to Scunthorpe and then to Burton Albion. One win, one loss. Another coach trip next Saturday to Bradford for FA Cup round 2. Great but I've already been there once this season! They do affect the AFD score though (arrive in foreign land ~2 hours before match what are you supposed to do but find a pub?) but I managed to keep it to four AFDs this week, so back in the lead again.