A catch up

This is written for my benefit on 31 August 2008. If anyone else reads it, that's fine.

This whole sorry saga of the relationship with Leon still preys on my mind. I get nasty flashbacks particularly on my bike ride to work. I thought I had got out of this but it has crept back again recently. I've been trying to analyse why it's still there annoying me. My thoughts at the moment are that I was lied to for so long, from very early in our relationship. That hurts.

Whether he would agree or not, I suppose I don't really care now but I believe that Leon was looking for childcare and somewhere to live. This then framed his view of how desirable someone was. He previously lived with another eligible single female, no children, own house. What a coincidence. So, what evidence is there for him lying to me?

Great Scottish Run, 04 September 2005 we met up with various forum people for the run and after for rehydration, tea and cake. The next day he spent in the company of Lorna, 'walking around, catching up'. Leon later admitted to a mutual friend that he realised that day he had feelings for Lorna. So why did he move in with me after that?

December RW Social 2005 apparently Leon had his tongue down Lorna's neck that evening in front of other people. Days after giving me an engagement ring. This was told to me independently by two friends I trust who would have no reason to lie. He even had the audacity to invite her over for lunch the next day with some very flirty giggly text messages.

During February and March 2006, Leon spent more and more time with a good friend of mine who has her own problems. Allegedly, he was looking out for her and being a friend. She showed a mutual friend some of the texts he was sending and the friend said that's not a normal relationship between you and him, he shouldn't be saying things like that. Basically, alarm bells were ringing all over. To be fair, my good friend stayed above it all and behaved well - I believe what she says. Leon however was proclaiming their special relationship and how she would be special to him forever.

Then of course in March 2006, he told me I didn't love his children enough. Perhaps he meant "in the hands off way that I do". I was the one always looking out for things for them to do (and never being credited for it). He was the one constantly on the phone or msn while spending 'quality time' with his children. At his daughter's birthday in December 2005, her birthday tea was held up because he was talking on the phone to a friend. These children would jump on me when I got home from work. Ask me to read bedtime stories. Little daughter fell asleep on my lap in the cinema.

In April, Leon and I sat down to talk in Richmond Park one afternoon. He told me he'd realised only that weekend that he had feelings for Lorna. This was the second time he'd been up there, the first being the weekend before FLM. Odd then that they'd slept together that first weekend, allowed two of the youngest children in the house to find them in bed together (rather confusing for the one who'd seen him in bed with me the same week you'd think). And that he'd got off work early (earlier than he made out to me) the day before FLM and gone to where Lorna was staying to see her. That I'd seen them kissing as she left the Thistle Hotel on FLM day. That it was obvious that something was going on even before I saw that.

I was definitely wrong in allowing him to stay on in the house. I really should have made him leave. For some reason, I cared for him and didn't want to make things difficult in terms of work and all that. So, I was stupid. He took the piss more and more as the weeks went on. He wouldn't tell me what he was doing, even in a polite 'I won't be needing dinner this evening' sort of way. I used to chat to his Mum a bit, lovely feisty lady. He didn't even tell me when she'd had trouble with the police because of standing up to a local oik. I miss her calls.

He hated conflict. Would actually drop someone else in it rather than face up to things himself. He suggested it would be ok if I took part in a walk in Wales with some other forum people, leaving another forum person to dig her way out of a hole and uninvite me.

I would cook meals in the evening if we were both there. Generally, he would be on the computer msn-ing, usually with Lorna, interrupt that to eat and then return. One evening, he didn't even turn to eat at the table but stayed at the desk continuing his conversations. Then he left his plate on the table for someone else to remove to the kitchen. Like I was his housekeeper, not the woman he had asked to marry him.

So, he finally moved out. He took as much stuff as could be fitted in a people carrier. I again was far too reasonable, saying no rush to shift the rest of the belongings. I went to Australia and had a wonderful time. I had this hope that all evidence of his being in the house would be gone by the time I returned. While away it was apparent that he'd used my computer on the visit he made to remove things. Without even asking permission. I never put a password on my pc, I had nothing to hide. Unlike him locking his pc.

Arriving back lots of things had gone but there was still plenty to shift. I thought perhaps another trip was planned, possibly the 'van' or whatever had been full. No. The things left behind had in effect been dumped. I have no car. No way of taking things to a dump. To give an idea of what was left behind: a single bed, blankets, pillows, some folding chairs, some children's games, some spoons and other odds and sods of kitchen things, an egg cup with 'Dad' on it (not as precious as he'd said it would seem) and most certainly other things I can't remember now. Yet he took a child's bicycle helmet which I'd given to one of the children, but not taken a bicycle which I'd also donated. That was no accident, but cold-blooded, cynical thinking about what to take and what to leave. You know what, he got really shitty when I said he should come and take the rest of the stuff away. Like it was my fault it was difficult for him to do that, that where he was now at Lorna's there is no garage. How to treat someone you proclaim to 'love forever' even when dumping them?

This all sounds very bitter and twisted, perhaps it is. But I think I protected him far too much through all this. Hidden what he was really like to me. So now, I've put this down in public. Not in a way to shove it in people's faces but here for the record. I'm hoping that this will achieve something in my own head and I can finally purge the system.