Still lost

The 10k was desperately slow, as predicted. The journey to and from my parents' was fine, no hold-ups, all the trains ran on time. I arrived at their house when I said I would to find my Dad about to come and collect me. Pointing out that I had a bicycle they said "Oh well, we thought you might be tired." It's only four miles-ish and mostly on cycle track (but drifting uphill most of the way). I met their very bouncy new dog who understood quite quickly that I was not playing. Ever. On the Sunday when I was getting ready to depart, my Mum wanted to give me a lift back to the station, "You might be tired." [It was only a 10k, even if it was a crap one!] Again, I pointed out the bike and reminded them of carbon emissions! They're really into recycling and everything so it was funny of them to think of putting my bike in their car.

It's been a busy week. First two days at work and then two days with Crisis. I stuffed goody bags on Wednesday, leaving me with a wonderfully stiff back to drag around the club one mile championship that evening. I was last. Thursday found me in the office, answering calls mostly from people who'd forgotten their race pack and could they still run. Late on I had to produce a 'Toilet' sign and some extra leaflets to take with me to Paternoster Square by St Pauls, the venue for the Square Mile Run. Once there, I was: on the volunteers' information desk; on the New Entries desk handing out t-shirts to all those people I'd spoken to on the phone (and more); handing baggage back; tidying up and and and... The weather was kind and it was a great evening, yet again. Let's hope we raise lots of money.

Friday I managed finally to get out of bed at 3.30pm! I'd surfaced briefly to feed the cat and make appointments for opticians and doctors. I was so confused when I arose I didn't know what was going on at all!!! Anyway, eyesight has deteriorated as I thought. So I'm getting new contact lenses and will then see how the reading specs are. The Specsavers chappy said he thinks I should go to varifocal glasses. I said I didn't want to wear glasses.

I went to the doctors as I needed more anti-depressants but also to tell him that I would like to stop taking them. He asked how I was. I said "Improved but not as good as I should be. I've decided I should come off the tablets anyway and get on with it." I've got to the point now where I want to know how I really feel. I know it's not brilliant, but also that there's a drug masking it all. Timing might not be best though. The last few weeks, I've been struggling in the wilderness again. Neglecting friends, not doing things. I don't know why this is at all. However, I do recognise that it's pretty much how I felt early on last year when I 'closed down' for a while as I was getting really depressed about the lack of a job (ie. before the rest of the crap arrived). I know then that I neglected my best friends. My Oz friend admitted she thought she'd done something to upset me, which of course she hadn't. And, even worse, I've done it to another friend now. It seems that I become unable to keep up with all the things I would normally do. Why it is that I let my friends suffer, heaven only knows. I have some fantastic friends who've really looked after me in the last year or so (in particular) so why am I so bad at returning the kindness? Someone said to a friend recently that depression is all in the mind and you choose to be depressed. I wish.