A year on

Today was the Elmbridge 10k, a fairly local race. This picture is from last year, when Leon and I ran together, the day after we first met. I finished today in 50.58, only 20 secs slower than the pb I set the other week, so I was quite happy with that.

What has happened since last year's race then? Well, I fell in love with someone in a way that I had not experienced before. Head over heels (which became more literal in April this year). After much travelling between Liverpool and London, as well as other places, Leon moved to a new job and we started a new life together. At Xmas we got engaged. We were happy. There was a great skiing holiday with some of our best mates at the end of January. I was out of work and learning how to make money on ebay. The London Marathon loomed and Leon was piling on the miles.

Late in March, returning from dropping the children back home, the bombshell was dropped. My love and care for the children was not enough. It was not the right love. Shocked, I pleaded to be given a chance to prove him wrong. The next day I set about changing things in the house to make it less stressful, a more small-child-friendly environment. Perhaps I had let my growing depression over the lack of work take its toll in other facets of life. A fortnight later, a repeat conversation although yes the children had just had a lovely time with the two of us. A big decision had been taken without any discussion between us although it seems with other people.

Things were changing. Less than two weeks after that second conversation, there was a party in Birmingham at the end of the week when the children were next staying. Wouldn't it be nice for them to spend time with other little peeps their age and for one of us to meet up with a few forum friends. With my own children around it wasn't practical for me to go too. They all seemed to have had a good time. Another get-together was to take place at the same house so one or two people who couldn't make the first could go along. Asking if I could go, I was shocked at the response "Can't I have some time to myself?", said in a very impatient way. So taken aback at this, I apologised the next day, presuming I had been crowding him. What I didn't know was that he'd already slept with the hostess that first weekend and was looking forward to their next rendezvous. This, when I thought we were both still hurting and that, possibly unrealistically, there was a chance of reconciliation.

The London Marathon came. Leon did a fantastic time. I hadn't done the training but was quite pleased with how I'd done (once you'd taken out the time for the 8 loo stops). However, a faint niggling concern triggered by mysterious phone calls and texting was confirmed. Right in front of me, there was my fiance flirting rather closely with the hostess from Brum. From the best day of my life at Xmas, this was my worst. This is a photo of me at The Thistle that day, now you know why I looked so shit. Nothing to do with running a marathon but more about my life falling apart in front of me.

Since then? Well, many of you will have seen 'stuff' on the RW forum. I have discovered that the person I love has lied to me, sometimes in a bare-faced way but more often by omission. He has said that I am important to him and will always be a huge part of his life. The reality? I am treated like shit.

So, one year on. Where am I? I have been through the absolute peaks of happiness and troughs of despair. I have discovered that I have some absolutely incredible friends, supporting me through all this. I don't know how I shall ever be able to repay them. And where is Leon? He still lives in this house, we share the same bed, we eat together, shifts permitting we travel to work together. Yet he is at best a Monday to Thursday friend. From being so important, when he is away, there is little or no contact. Even when I have to pass on family messages there is only the most brief of replies, if that. This is someone who always claims that his friends are so important to him. Perhaps I am no longer in that category.

The future? I have no crystal ball. But. All I can say, inexplicably, is that I still love Leon. He has never left my heart and I would take him back into my arms this minute. I have tried to stay true to myself and my love for him and I showed him this post before putting it up for you, my friends. My apologies to those of you who didn't know what has been going on.